a place called home

XIST: Home

“How are you today?”

A simple question. Asked a million times a day. Often asked in a rush; a rush for life, a rush for work, a rush for money, a rush for the next big thing, a rush for rush’s sake…

“I am fine…”

A simple answer, often answered in a bigger rush. A rush to escape, a rush to close off, a rush to hide the pain, a rush to run away from the world that deceives me, a fear and disbelief that someone cares, a mask to hide my human face, a bullet to stop my heart before my soul starts pouring out.

Stop. Take a breath. Let’s try this again….

“How are you today?”

A simple question; nearly extinct. Asked to give time, asked with the other in mind, asked at peace, asked from the heart, asked to help…

“I am fine, thanks…”

A simple answer, an answer of fear and hope, an answer with my eyes wide open and my heart ready to pour out into your hands if you just stick around one more minute to save it…

“…I am fine, or at least I want the others to think so. But the truth is, you know… there comes a time in each person’s life when we close the eyes of the ones we so dearly love and it feels like the world has come to an end. Then we reach deep down inside our soul trying to pull ourselves up by the heart, but it’s hard and we look up in the sky for help and through the tears we search for a sign to give us hope that we are not alone, that the ones who gave us strength are still there even with their eyes closed.

In that moment I realized my eyes were closed all along. And when I opened them I saw the meanings of it all…it has been there all this time.

I landed home. This country is so wonderful; the sky is blue, the clouds are fluffy and white, the mountains are majestic and the grass is so peaceful. Here, I feel as one with nature, the water and the food taste better, I breathe deeper and I can’t help but fall in love with the people for they have such big hearts and such strong spirit.

My town: the streets, the buildings, the trees, the local stores, the parks, the broken playgrounds, the schools now lined with graffiti hold my childhood memories. Although the faces have changed and some may never wake up again, the memories jump out so vividly as if I was here yesterday. And here with me, in my heart, again are the people I so dearly love.

If feels sad, but good and real again – to be home, to feel safe, to hug a loved one, to cry, to smile, to feel alive again. Life, Death, Love, Pain, Fear, Hope, all that makes me human and gives me a reason to breathe call me home.

And then my guilt kicks in. I have been too far for too long. They, who brought me to this world, gave their lives for me, caring for me, teaching me how to give, how to be good to others; they have been there by my side in the best and the worst moments… They gave me everything for nothing in return and then they let me free. Free to fly far away, to grow up, to find my own luck, to follow a dream, to seek happiness, to rush for life, to rush for work, to rush for money, to rush for the next big thing, to rush for rush’s sake, to learn how to care but not care at all, to accept that I have left the ones I so dearly love to celebrate and to deal with their misfortunes on their own… Until one day the sky opens up and pours a rain of tears…

Did you grow up? Did you find happiness?

Did I?

Not yet, but I found truth:

We grow up when we bleed.

Happiness is where the heart is and nothing else matters.

Live with every heart beat, breathe every breath, cry every tear, have faith and give all your love to those who matter, those closest to you. Don’t be afraid. In this damn circle of life, what we gave of ourselves to others is the only thing that lasts after we are gone. The rest is dust in the wind.

Thank you for the minute.

How are you today?”


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September 2013
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